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umm....where to start,   
01:05am 10/05/2005
  so im almost never on here anymore! i have no no time!! Im back at home its a long sotry. I worked for 15 hours yesterday (mothers day) it sucked! im so tired! but i made bank!! it was the only thing that kept me going! also good times with good friends, i love my buddies at work they're the only people i see so i'd better love them! I miss all my old friends stevie and Tara are always in the back of my mind. I miss them both oh so much. i feel letter writing coming on tmarrow while i should be paying attention in french. alright im tired i need sleep. peace out stonie kids!
-Becca-
p.s. delemah what do you say to someone who tells you they love you and you dont exactly feel the same?		  
     speak to me"

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The Move.....   
08:17pm 09/03/2005
  So i've offically moved out today. My bed and most my clothes are moved into the Condo that me and Lyndsie Bennett share. Its 2 bedroom 2 bathroom condo. i wont have internet for awhile but i will write again soon.
-Becca-		  
     speak to me"

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First kisses   
04:32am 26/02/2005
  i got my newest first kiss tonight! It was everything a frist kiss should be, soft, tender, meaninful, enticing! Oh god he's amazing! i want to kiss him all the time!! I wish he wanted to kiss me all the time too! i could kiss him for hours! he's perfict! i'm very happy right now even though i no nothing will ever come of it....for all of you who know me best best guess who HE is?!!!! and i've been wanting this forever!!!
-Becca-		  
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In Loveing Memory Julia Bennett.   
10:44am 27/01/2005
  I cant believe it really happened. Julie is really gone. I dont want to believe it. I have to keep looking at the news paper with her name on the victims list to see that its real. I never thought that a freak accident would actually kill someone so involved in my past. I want Lyndsie to be ok. I think she will but i worrie. She's being so strong! I cant help but cry when i think of how much she did for me, when i think of how she was like another mother for me. I cant believe Julie's really gone. I want someone to tell that fucking asshole that he killed Lynz's mom. I want him to no that her real father left her before she was born and now he's killed her mother....he orphaned one of my best friends! She's 17! this isn't suposed to happen to her! When i woke up this morning i had to search for Julie's name in the paper because i didn't want it to be real! But it is....Julie is gone, and all i can do is cry and stand by Lynz.
Im also upset because Nick Tutino (i hope thats right) is a friend of my brothers and his father is gone too! The fucking asshole couldnt kill himself but he left Nick fatherless and Lynz and Orphan. I hope someone shoots him!
-Becca-		  
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Checking in....   
08:15pm 24/01/2005
 
mood: peaceful
Hey there kiddies i havent written in a long time... mainly because i seem to have no time for anything anymore! Its all work and school for me these days! But hey i've finally decided what im going to major in! yay! im going to go into archaeology. it will be fun yes yes it will! Also im going to take this as a sign that theres a junior college right in the same town as the house we just bought in Tuson Arizona that has a very good Archaeology AA. So im going in March with my daddy to check out the college and see the house and see if i want to move out there. If i do it will be towards the end of this summer and i'd be starting there next fall and living in a really nice house all on my own. My parents say the area over there is like a Bel Air of Arizona so i could get a job at a nice resturaunt hopefully as an expodite afterall i've got about a years experiance! AND id rent the other room in the house out to some other college student and it would be fun! well for the most part it would be fun but also very scary and lonely! Well we'll see where that goes and now i go back to watching one of my favorit movies ... It Happened One Night w/ Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert.
-Becca-		  
     speak to me"

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Count your Blessings   
09:52pm 24/12/2004
  I dont want to sound like the tired old saying i used for my title but it fit. Its christmass eve and everyone who is reading this is probly home and happy with their families. But theres one friend of mine who is put out of her home. A friend of mine from work tonight can in disstraught because her parents kicked her out of the house tonight! I cant stop thinking about how it could be possible for parents to do something like that to their 18yr old daughter on this night of all nights. I guess shes staying at her boy friends house tonight but still i worrie about her. And it just feels wrong that i couldnt do more for her but let her use my phone and wait with her for her ride to pick her up. I just felt like i left it unfinished when she got into her boyfriends moms car and drove off. I worrie but theres nothing i can do.
i hate feeling helpless. But all i can keep thinking in my head is what everyone always tells me. " You think to much for everyone else and not enough for yourself" But i'd really rather help her now then enyjoy my own perfict happy christmass. Just knowing her's isn't going to be what it should makes mine feel undiserved.
-Becca-
p.s. merry christmass.		  
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More of chico   
09:16pm 21/12/2004
 
music: t.v.
So today we went for a drive to this place called Paradise and it was beautiful. It kinda looked like Big Bear and well it made me sad. It mad me think of Bradley ::tear:: but it was soo pretty. I need to find me a new boy to dwell on. Lets see the only boy i really like right now would have to be Mikie... thats all i'm saying. God he's cute but yeah right like that'll happen! lol i think im too "weird" (as he would say) for him. LOL ahh good times.
You all probly wonder why i dont really write anymore it because i work way way too much! you no you work too much when you strat haveing work dreams. Lets see theres the one where everyone but me and my manager had been sent to therapy and so there for he and i had to go! Yes i no i'm odd.... then there the latest one that my manger quit cause his car got ruined (true story it did get ruined...well hit bad!! his pride and joy) and well because he quit i was made manager and well omg i woke up laughing!! Can anyone see me as a manager well its pretty funny i think i'd cry if they tryed to make me manager!! dude they'd make Jess haywood manger before me!! lol!!! god i hate odd work dreams. I guess servers have them too i cant remeber the one that i heard they all have. Its like they have no money to make change and have tons of tables and every one is there and just standing there and wont help and they have to do everything on there own! whatever i'll worrie aboutt hat when they finally insist that i become one but personally i think i'll stick to expo.
-Becca-		  
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Chico   
08:27pm 20/12/2004
 
mood: happy
music: 1985 on stevies labtop in the background.
So im in chico and its good fun! Stevies house is really pretty! they have this one wall in there living room with this really cool wallpaper and i really really like it! The Trixy Bean wont leave me alone. Stevie and i went into towntoday and i bought things.... yay! We're going bike riding tomarrow un the park, which is the second biggest in the u.s. behind central park! It will be good fun. I get home on the 23rd and have to rush out to work. Bah! I work toomuch! I even have to work on x-mass eve and day! I'm still po'd with how many people showed up for thanksgiving. But unfortunatly like my friend Tracy (one of the waitresses) said to me "its not like theres anyone else who can do your job so your cant excatly get anyone to cover for you. As long as i get off eairly on New Years i'll be fine! LOL! and a select few of you no why i'm sooo thrilled about it. I explain more in the New Year. Well toodles im going to bed soon.
-Becca-		  
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Lexi   
12:26pm 15/12/2004
  So i've been hanging out with this really awesome girl from work. Shes 18 and adorable! We went Bar hopping the other night in hollywood after going to the KISS F.M. christmass party. Then we went back to her house and just hung out. Her parents are outta town so it was good fun just lying around. But anyways last night we went to hang out with her Aunt Kimmy. It was soo much fun. She has soooo many dogs! And this really adorable Mastiff named buddy...or is it bubba? Well he was cute. Kimmy lives in this really nice house and shes just adorable. Lexi is soo much fun. We have like 3 parties planned for the next weekend and shes just a thrill to hang out with. Shes outgoing and hyper just like me! well later loves.
-Becca-
p.s. i cant wait for New Years we're going to the best party of all!!		  
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New Poem.....   
02:14pm 03/12/2004
 
mood: cynical
music: bowling for soup (Ridiculous)

November 2004

Tears cloud my day to day routine.

Everything i hold dear, ripped from my grasp.

I die every day i wake up and see its still the same.

My soul is that familiar shade of blue.

The cloud cast over my exsistance is growing to its full size.

I fear there is more heartbreak to come.

.... Everyone wonders why i have this wall....

-Lepeka-

  
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Most depressing month ever.   
06:20pm 30/11/2004
 
mood: crushed
So about 2 weeks ago my fav. Cat dies, then Nat excludes me, and Bradley gets a girlfriend or something that makes him not love me anymore. And now just as i'm being able to come to grips w/ all of that my parents tells me they're selling my cabin in big bear. That was the last thing i ever wanted to happen. I have so many memories up there! And they're just selling it! Next thing you no they'll sell my home! No not the one i live in now but the one that i grew up in the only other place besides my cabin i considered home. So here i am again in my room crying, and alone. I just want someone to hug me, but i feel like if anyone touches me i'll just want to shove them off of me. Im weird like that. Im going to go die now. See you in my next life cause this one is just to much for me to handle now.
-Becca-		  
     speak to me"

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Rock Bottom   
01:46pm 24/11/2004
  I have offically hit rock bottom,
My only two friends that still live in simi. The only two people i can really talk to have offically begun to shunn me because they like Natalies new not really boyfriend Tim better then me. I never thought that something like this would happen between me and Nattie but i guess it is possible. I cant belive that because i was honest w/ Natt and told her i dont really trust him that now they are doing the whole well we're going out with Tim so your not allowed to be with us eaither. I DONT CARE about TIM ! All i want is to be able to hang out with my friends. They wont even answer the phone so that i can actually be sure that they really dont want me aroudn becuase Tim is there. I new Tim would ruin my relationship w/ Natt, but i cant belive it actually happened. Stevie told me they didnt want me because Tim was coming then Angel wouldnt answer her phone, and now i cant belive i'll never get to hang out w/ Natt again because she and Tim are inseprible! My world is falling apart! I have no friends, i dont no what i want to do with my life, and i have to deal with all of this completely alone! now i'm just going to continue crying over this catastrophy that is my life. And they wonder why i hang out w/ Lyndsie again becuase im not allowed to be around then anymore!!!
What do you do when all your friends choose one's boyfriend over you cause you distrust him?
-Becca-		  
     speak to me"

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Soap Pools, 3-D Porn, Ice blocking! man i had a full weekend!   
01:12am 08/11/2004
 
mood: devious
music: nadda
Ok kids heres the weekend update/synopsis with corrospondent Becca ***lin. (if you no my last name you can fill in the blanks...if not then you can still fill in the blanks it will be fun for everyone)
Thank you Jim for the wonderful introduction....This just in on Thursday night watch out for those trcherious luandry soap spills in the hallway right infront of my bedroom door. Yes if your not carefull you may end up swimming in it like i did. Oh and yes please remember to scream quietly as you slip, fall, and send your keys flying for it may scare my little sister who is sleeping snug in her bed. Also remeber to hold tighly to the back of Logans sweat shirt as he starts to fall because although tempting it wouldnt be nice to watch him fall too.
Also if you are thinking of going to the Nuart's Friday night Midnight movie be sure to check internet listings of what they are playing because you may cum face to head with an enourmous penis in 3-D. Thats right floks 3-D porn was all the rage back in 1977 and is back to slap us in the face again. Not only are they slapping us in the face, they are splooging, and penetrating as well. But beware of cheesy jokes such as "Harry Balls who?", blow jobs conferences, and murder scenes including anal. Oh yes its all here and in 3-D. Thank you 70's porn and 3-D specialists i will be scared for life!! (but in a good way ;])
Saturday night hell at work, freezing at Valley View! Yes Valley Veiw Junior High where delinquants congergate to partake in the equivalant of So-Cal Sledding. That is ofcourse unless you live in the Big Bear, or Mamoth reagions! Still for small town subburbon kids Iceblocking tops the charts as quality fun. In SImi Valley it is in fact above coccane, insest, and droping out of high school. Go us for choosing the best of the slim options for a fun filled Saturday night. Afterall its "Just Another Night In Simi Valley". (ofcourse that is not in referance to the Kembrew song w/ the same name)
Sunday night besides stealing high way cones off of cochran i worked again! Alot... and got hit on by ex-porno boy. Hes going through his MENstral cycle again. I found out the cute manager borke up w/ his 2yr g/f. For good apparently this time. Which makes me happy and sad for him. I no he cared about her, and she was a very sweet girl. Moving on to later in the eveing too Annelli to see the incredibals w/ Ryan (yes Angel and Nat the one you no/ and no Nat not Logan's best friend)and his bro and the costco crew as they call them selves.
Well Jim its been a full weekend of randomness and oddities which i am good at creating. Have a good night folks and please stick around after these few commercials for the weather... which looks promiseingly of threating thunderstorms.
This is Becca ***lin thank you and good night.


THE END		  
     speak to me"

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Brainstorming closer to myself.....oh and i <3 Huckabees rocks!   
12:45am 26/10/2004
  .....I've realized we are nothing until we set certian standards for ourselves to live by. until we build a set of morals for ourselves. I've begun to rebuild my own morals and thus i feel i am growing (spirtually) more rapidly then i have in a long, long time. There are few moments in your life you feel completely at peace. Intune with the world. Confidence exudes from every molecule of your being....oh how i've missed that feeling. Morals for ones self proves you understand what you want for yourself and from this life. Making you one step closer to your true happyness.
..... Aren't we all just trying to find that little something that makes us happy? That one thing that makes us realize who we are so we can be truely happy in our own skin? Humans are selfish creatures. All we want is what makes us happy. Example: i would do anything to make Natalie feel the greatest or the tinyest hint of joy because it makes me feel so wonderful inside to do so. Thus inevitably making it a selfish act. So no matter what we do, we do things to try and make ourselves feel happy......
....I mean if i could secure their (my friends) well being (by giving my life for theirs) makeing them eventually happy again i have done some thing that will make my soul happy and at peace. So i do it to make myself feel good, proving humans selfish nature and a need to feel content with ones self through your actions. Weather they are well guided or you are blindly trying things to find what will content your soul.....
.... Weather or not yuor morals or ideals co-enside with those of societies dosent matter as long as you find satisfaction in them.
-Lepeka-

(just little bits and peices of a journal entry of mine. i felt compelled to share my thoughts on this matter. Now you can share yours.)		  
     speak to me"

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New poem   
08:05pm 19/10/2004
 
mood: confused
Raining Hope,
Rain falling on a cloudy day,
symbol of regrowth.
Drown out the inperfections of fall.
A needed drink after a long drought.
Rebirth of everything dead.
Black and brown the colors of rain soked earth.
Green rainbows the colors of seasons soon to come.
Winter the season to wash away the old of life.
Spring the season to grow anew the experiance of a life so young.
-Lepeka-

How many times can someone say they miss you until you realize its their programed response. My worst fear confirmed. I cryed again. I heard that name and know my time is coming to an end. There's no more room for me in that life.		  
     speak to me"

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06:38pm 18/10/2004
 

let's see:
your name
do you smoke?
do you drink?
stronger drugs?
your favourite activity
you are An undiscovered genius
you wish you were Nostradamus
you hope To get rich someday
people think you are Always thinking of the same
intelligent people though, think you are A mistery unsolved
but, really, you're just You
This quiz by apistrakus - Taken 53801 Times.
</a>
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology

  
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this is some scary shit! lol!!   
02:10am 08/10/2004
  Cause im too lazy to type this again you get to read my conversation with Jodie.... dont worrie its nothing you dont wanna see! OMG i almost had a heart attack! lol!!


LoKiE1986: i was just scared outta my mind
LoKiE1986: lol
LoKiE1986: :-)
CFLchopperdog: lmao
CFLchopperdog: by what??
LoKiE1986: So me and Angel went and watched a scary movie w/ my friend Ryan
LoKiE1986: and when we droped off angel we stayed in the car telling scary home alone/late night arrival stories
CFLchopperdog: haha right on
LoKiE1986: so we're all a lil freaked when we finally go our seperate ways and so when i get home i gotta park by the empty lot where the coyoties like to hang out
LoKiE1986: so im a lil weary of my surroundings.... and as im going past my dads car i swear i see this silliouette
LoKiE1986: by the front tires
LoKiE1986: but then i look again and nothings there
CFLchopperdog: lol
LoKiE1986: so i go around by my moms car and i think i see shit again... but nothing
LoKiE1986: so as im unlocking the door i keep my back towards the door so i can see whats coming from the side of the house the dirt lots at
LoKiE1986: and finally i get the door open and i take one glance back and there's a black something standing there stairing at me
LoKiE1986: so i freak and close the door w/ the keys still in it...
CFLchopperdog: lmao
LoKiE1986: then i think for a second and open the door and theres my Lil Baby Milo my Black cat
LoKiE1986: lol
CFLchopperdog: lmao nice
LoKiE1986: he was stalking me! lol
CFLchopperdog: hahaha
CFLchopperdog: thats funny
CFLchopperdog: lol
LoKiE1986: so i had to go back outside and put the other two cats away aswell
LoKiE1986: omg it was great!
CFLchopperdog: haha thats rad
LoKiE1986: and Angel had an equally freaky entrance into the house tonight too. She turned round in the door way to look straight into the face of a scray pumpkin face! lol
CFLchopperdog: lmao!
LoKiE1986: the best part was i honestly almost screamed!
LoKiE1986: but in the back of my mind i knew it was only Milo!
CFLchopperdog: lol
CFLchopperdog: poor girl
CFLchopperdog: lol		  
     speak to me"

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01:02am 30/09/2004
 
mood: contemplative
music: B-52's Love Shack

                             Games

     Make me a list.

    An epic tale of your faults.

    I'll use them to openly judge you.

   Cut you down to size.

   See you for who you really are.

    To some I'm their Guardian Angel. To others their helpless pawn.

    Where do you stand with those you care for?

    Is your worth to them, what theirs is to you?

 

   Tell me your deepest secrets,

   So i can judge your darkness for myself.

   Disintrest is the game you play.

   Unquestionable loyality is mine.

 

   So tell me the storie of you soul.

  My ears are here for listening.

  Paint me a picture of your every dream.

  I'll show you one of my nightmares.

-Lepeka-      9/29/2004

 

                    Success

I feel like hiding inside myself.

Becoming antisocial

I am losing intrest in what used to be my everything.

It all seems so dejavo.

I'm sick of exsisting according to someone elses schedual.

I need to be spontanious.

Lately my mind has been a more constant and loyal companion.

Everyone else has THEIR lives.

Once, daily rutines seemed exciting, full of potential.

Now they're ordinary occurances bore me.

I hate to be anything but optomistic.

"I'm always happy unless I'm bored."

Why does success have to govern our happyness?

When did simplicity die?

Pressure to become a prodogey.

Where does this all go?

What gold is at the end of your rainbow?

Will you be content with how it manifests?

These are questions we should never have to ponder.

Fallow your heart to your true calling.

Success will fallow.

-Lepeka-        9/28/2004

 

  
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My Canturbury Tale..   
12:07am 27/09/2004
  The tale of the loveless.

Let me paint you a picture of valnurability at its best.

See a figure sitting lonely. Arm draped across her chest.

Darkness surrounding her. Tears fall down her cheeks.

All she wants is for someone to hold her, as she drys tears with her sheets.

Shes longed for a fairy tale for so long. Maybe one day her prince will come.

He dosent have to be tall, dark, or even handsome.

Chivalry is dead in this structureless age.

Men win hearts in decietfull ways.

"Have another glass of wine my dear. I'd do anything to make you smile."

All said and done so his conscience can look the other way for a short while.

I look around and wonder why women get more bitter with every generation.

Its because men find more inventive ways to missuse them.

I've accepted that i've become so untrusting i will probly be alone till i die.

I just want to have someone who will be there to kiss me goodbye.

Bitter for love, but all this bitterness really does is repell.

When all i want is to have you under my spell.

I want to be thin. Thin enough to be delicate, feminine and fragile.

But i cant help wanting to be one of the guys. To be fit, masculine, and agile.

Although it seems no guy wants a girl to be thier friend. Someone who can hang out like one of the guys.

They just want to play with your emotions and throw you aside. So they all tell you the same shallow lies.

Love is a forgotten luxury. A tale of a prince, a glass slipper, and a ball.

Tales of innocence seen in a nun riding to Canturbury. Hope in grainned in my heart by and acient fraise "love conqures all".

-Lepeka- (a.k.a.me)


as i put on my myspace account... this is basically my gay side lashing out!		  
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01:29am 17/09/2004
 

Me: like omg fancy meeting you here!
Little Rag Dolly: haha Im about to crash actually
Me: no no!
Me: OMG i realize why i love Dayn
Me: we get in the stupidiest un-nessary arguments and i feel so much better afterwards
Me: yay me!
Little Rag Dolly: lol
Me: we got in an argument about how i should come over cause i was just being selfish and how i new i really wanted to cause we both really dont want to sleep alone tonight!
Me: dam him
Me: its true and he knows it!
Little Rag Dolly: lol aw
Me: thats like the re-pick up Becca line of the month
Little Rag Dolly: hahahaha
Me: "come see me i dont want to sleep alone"
Little Rag Dolly: lol
Me: and its sooo true i dont eaither!
Me: but hey if i get really lonely i can sleep with his sweatshirt and he's got shit of mine!
Me: hahaha!
Little Rag Dolly: lol true
Me: let it be known there is a reason why girls steal their b/f's shit and dont give it back EVER
Little Rag Dolly: oh yeah lol
Me: cause they need to cuddle with it every once in a while
Little Rag Dolly: uh huh lol
Me: and Brads shirt is being washed so i sleep with Dayn's sweatshirt!
Me: god so that was a nice little tangent huh?

Just thought cause im soooooooooo (yes i needed to use that many "o"s) bored i'd let you all see what Jess and i talk about when it 1:30 am and we cant sleep. Intresting huh!?

 And p.s. to the guys girls love and ex that can still leave her speechless and unable to stop thinking about him even if it does mean stupid arguments over nothing, like i've just demonstrated!

-Becca-

  
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decadanceofmind
 
 
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